I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
–Alvy Singer in “Annie Hall”
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
–P. J. O’Rourke
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.