I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

–Elayne Boosler

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

–Alvy Singer in “Annie Hall”

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

–Groucho Marx

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

–Mae West

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

–George Carlin

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

–P. J. O’Rourke

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

–Mark Twain

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

–Emo Philips

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

–Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

–Ronald Reagan

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

–Mel Brooks

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

–Albert Einstein

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

–George Carlin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

–George Burns